just say yes...

I have been really thinking about life and free spirit. There are many things that i would like to share but for some reason in our minds we always seem to come up with the answer no...i am too busy...not right now...but this shabbat was different. let em go back to last shabbat. Last shabbat I spent i in the hospital. For a year now I have been dealing with this terrible pain in my abdomen and have found every excuse as to not get it checked out. i don't have money for another bill. I don't have insurance. And with this one word of no I suffered for a year in pain unable to enjoy a meal. something so simple as a meal with my family always ended in pain. I would have to leave the able and sit upstairs and not just the physical pain that it has caused me but also the pain of not being able to participate in anything. Mama can you play with me...no honey i don't feel well, mama can you read to me...no i don't feel well, mama..no..mam...no...
Well last week I could bear the pain no more. I decided on Thursday to go to the emergency room and have myself checked out. Well, it turned out to be a hernia and i had surgery Friday morning and spent my shabbat in the hospital. It was a sad shabbat at home and my family spent it very lonely. i was honored as to how much i was missed. But this past week i have been noticing how many times i say no. how many times in my life that I pass life with such a negative attitude and answer. How much I have missed out on because i just didn't give myself the opportunity to have a free spirit to be spontaneous or absurd every now and again. Simple things in life can mean so much if we just give ourselves the opportunity to just say yes my dear i will play with you. Yes my beloved i will go on that walk. Yes tell me about your day. Yes i want that new trinket. But most of all Yes Hashem I want to talk. I want to be a free spirit and live. I just don't want to be another person just existing. I want to live life and know that I have impacted all of those whom I love. when my time has come what will they say when i am gone. will they mourn the loss for me or for themselves. My grandfather was in his 90's when he passed away 6 years ago. But the beauty of his passing was not that we felt bad for him. we mourned for our loss of not having his jokes that he always had to share or the way he smiled. It truly was our loss to see him go. Although he was ready to go and lived a long and full life. His was complete but he left ours empty. What will we live behind. do we really know what our children and family and friends think? Have we really impacted them? or did we just do our job and wait for the end. this past shabbat was so beautiful. my oldest daughter and I stayed up until 2 am laughing and talking and just being ourselves. It was like a slumber party. There really isn't anything that she could tell me that would disappoint me or take away those precious moments. But it is those moments that are real. When people can see the real you and feel blessed that you are in their lives. Just say yes to life ...you won't regret it.