How to Raise a Happy Child
We all want our children to be happy. But what do we actually mean by "happy"? Is it a child who prances around with a smile on her face all day long? Is it one who is pleased with everything his parents ask his to do? Or is it one who is never moody, irritable or angry?
Obviously, all children will have their ups and downs—much like we adults do. And their responsibilities will not likely make them overjoyed, whether these entail putting away their toys or doing their homework. Moreover, they will face many disappointments ranging from not being able to stay up late to not being able to go to sleep-over camp. Indeed, many children will find themselves living in very challenging circumstances such as poverty, marital disharmony, illness or divorce. Can they be "happy" when experiencing such intense life stresses as these?
A child's life is, in fact, as complex as that of the average adult. In the course of everyday existence, children must face many hurdles such as difficult schoolwork, unpleasant teachers, mean peers, less-than-perfect parents, jealous siblings and so on. Despite all this, we parents hope that our children will be characterized by a predominantly positive mood and optimistic outlook. Certainly this is a specific goal of Torah parenting: to raise children who confidently trust in Hashem's beneficence and who truly enjoy their lives. How can we help them achieve this?
Modeling "Happy" Behavior
Let's look at some "hard" but important techniques first and then move on to the easier ones. To begin with, we must surely model a "happy" attitude in our own lives. Children watch us closely and learn not only how to blink their eyes like we do, but also how to feel and think like we do. The impact of our own behavior is tremendous. This, of course, is a major responsibility and perhaps even a burden. What if our own lives are so full of stress that happiness just seems to elude us? The only answer to this query is that we cannot expect our children to cope better with stress than we do; we cannot hope that they'll learn what we cannot teach them. We must take steps to improve our own attitudes and coping skills, whether this involves taking self-help courses, reading books or seeking professional counseling. We need to be aware that our own depressions and anxieties will impact on our children whether we wish it to be this way or not. The only cure is for us to increase our own happiness and show our children a more positive model.
Similarly, if our marriages are very unhappy, this will have an impact on our children's happiness. A child cannot be happy amidst strife, hostility or cold indifference. Again, there is much we can do with shiurim, courses, books and counseling, and we should exhaust every avenue in attempting to heal this aspect of our lives for the benefit of our children as well as for ourselves.
Attending to Physical Factors
Criticism is a true poison to the system and has the potential to make children very, very unhappy.Now for the easier strategies: We can help our children maintain a more positive mood more often by attending to simple physical factors. For example, children who are sleep-deprived are grouchier, more miserable human beings. Making sure that children of all ages get adequate rest is a good starting point for mood management. Similarly, children need healthful food—not just a sugar diet—in order to maintain a positive mood. Sugar, in fact, is a depressant and too much of it may increase both irritability and grumpiness. Also, children need sufficient exercise. Most kids get this just by running around, but there are some who carpool or ride the bus to school, sit long hours with few breaks, ride home again and remain indoors until bedtime. If your child's day is structured that way, you can insert a twenty-minute exercise routine for the whole family some time in the evening every day. Without exercise, people of all ages become depressed and lethargic and have less resources for stress management.
Staying Positive
A good way to foster happiness is to refrain from those behaviors which destroy happiness. As a parent, this means refraining from excessive criticism. Criticism is a true poison to the system and has the potential to make children feel inadequate, angry, hurt and very, very unhappy. When it's necessary to correct a child, keep your comments very brief, very quiet and as positively phrased as possible. For example, if displeased about a messy bedroom, instead of having an explosive tirade about "pig-sties" and "laziness," just use a one-liner, uttered softly and gently, to the effect that "I'd like the room cleaned up before dinnertime or you won't be able to go out this evening" (or choose whatever appropriate consequence works for your child).
Another behavior from which to refrain is verbal negativity. This involves making negative statements about anything, including talking excessively about those people and things which you don't like or making negative predictions about how things won't turn out well. Negativity of this kind instills hopelessness and despair in youngsters—traits which are highly correlated with suicidality. Instead, talk about the bright side of life at least in a balanced fashion (i.e., both the good news and the bad news), and if possible, keep the positive side predominant for optimal parenting results—that is to say, talk about what you like, why you think things will turn out well, how people are so admirable, and so forth.
A child cannot be happy amidst strife, hostility or cold indifference.In addition, giving children lots of warmth, praise and affection increases their feelings of well-being and security and therefore contributes to their happiness. This requires not so much time as attention. In those moments you are together—which are often the "morning rush" hours and the equally hectic after-school hours, focus all your attention on the quality of the interactions you are having with your youngsters. The emphasis should not be so much on the routines of dressing, homework, bed-time and so on, but rather on how these routines are accomplished. Soft words, lots of smiles, light-hearted banter, praise, caresses and even concrete rewards, are the order of the day. These positive interchanges verily build "happiness cells" within the body, with life-enduring consequences.
A Framework for Meaning
Finally, true happiness involves not only momentary pleasant moods and inner emotional security, but also a framework for meaning. People who "have everything" can still feel empty and lost and definitely unhappy. It is only when we have a sense of purpose and direction in our lives that we can truly feel happy. This sense may grow and take form in adulthood, but its seeds are sowed in childhood. Children, like adults, must be grounded in purposeful existence in order to feel significant and fulfilled.
We can help youngsters create a foundation for a meaningful existence by making the expression of religion in our homes vibrant and meaningful. Certainly we want our children to do mitzvos—but not as a lifestyle or robot-like routine. By utilizing the Shabbos table as a forum for discussion and growth, for making spiritual concepts relevant in everyday functioning, we can offer our children a deeper, more satisfying life-structure. For example, we can talk about Torah directives regarding our interactions with people, the implications of these directives (i.e., the mitzvah not to hold hatred in our hearts), the strategies whereby we can learn to observe these mitzvos and how they will enhance our lives. Such discussions can be brought down to the level of four year olds and up to the level of fourteen year olds. It is the discussion, the chewing over and exploring, that enables Judaism to become a living framework.
Moreover, teaching children how to be involved with issues beyond their own needs and wishes, both through modeling and instruction, gives them a true source of satisfaction and deep pleasure in living. Thus we must teach our children how to give to others—first within the family by fostering caring for parents, siblings, grandparents and others—and then within the community. When children see that they can be important to the welfare and happiness of others, they begin to experience their true happiness.
So we can see that raising happy children is indeed an art and science, requiring much thought and planning on our parts, but a project which is sure to bring us much happiness and fulfilment as well!
