We take it all for granted...

It's not until things are gone that we realize that we take things for granted. Even if they are gone for just a moment. As everyone who knows me personally know the situation my husband and I face.
Tonight has been a repeat of many nights.
The Dr.s told my beloved that he would be paralyzed by the age of 35.
Well they were wrong.
He is 36 and still walking.
But what brings me to this?
Tonight has been a repeat of many nights.
Tonight I had to put the children to bed.
Tonight I had to help my husband to bed.
Tonight I had to get his drink of juice.
Tonight I had to help him undress.
Tonight I had to try and bring curculation to his legs.
Tonight I will be alone in my room because he cannot go up the stairs.
I am not writing for pity or a miracle.
I write for prayers to give me strength to help him.
Strength to endure this even if it is only for a moment.
It is when this happens when you think of the silly things that we take for granted on a daily basis like our evening walks.
Him running with the children or rollerblading.
Our loved ones should not be taken for granted and if they are we need to ask ourselves do we really love them properly?
Why do we have to wait until things are going wrong that we have to reflect?
Why does Hashem have to constantly give us a wake up call?
Why can we not just stand back and see all the glory and real beauty in our lives.
We are abundant with blessings.
I thank Hashem for reminding me.
I thank Hashem that he gave me such a wonderful husband and father for my children.
This is a tribute to him not when it is too late. But just in time.
I am my beloved and my beloved is mine.
What does that really mean?
I don't see it as an ownership of one to the other.
I see it as a connecton between two people that is unbreakable.
We feel what they feel.
We see what they see.
We love what they love.
We are united as one being.
We are what they are.
I think that Hashem knew this can happen between two beings We and our spouses but most importantly Hashem with Us.
He feels what we feel.
He see what we see.
He loves what we Love.
He is united to us as One.
He is what we are.
Hashem feel,see,love, and be my beloved with myself and my beloved.
Most of all Hashem give me stregth to not take you or my beloved for granted.

Losing oneself at home

I have realized that the house is a never ending job. today was difficult. I have been so busy just trying to keep up with it all I tend to lose myself and my focus. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we are trying to do we lose the goal which is the goal of learning and living for something greater than ourselves. this week has been a really large eye opener for me and I am hoping not to just get back ontrack but to stay on track. wish me luck...Leah

just say yes...

I have been really thinking about life and free spirit. There are many things that i would like to share but for some reason in our minds we always seem to come up with the answer no...i am too busy...not right now...but this shabbat was different. let em go back to last shabbat. Last shabbat I spent i in the hospital. For a year now I have been dealing with this terrible pain in my abdomen and have found every excuse as to not get it checked out. i don't have money for another bill. I don't have insurance. And with this one word of no I suffered for a year in pain unable to enjoy a meal. something so simple as a meal with my family always ended in pain. I would have to leave the able and sit upstairs and not just the physical pain that it has caused me but also the pain of not being able to participate in anything. Mama can you play with me...no honey i don't feel well, mama can you read to me...no i don't feel well, mama..no..mam...no...
Well last week I could bear the pain no more. I decided on Thursday to go to the emergency room and have myself checked out. Well, it turned out to be a hernia and i had surgery Friday morning and spent my shabbat in the hospital. It was a sad shabbat at home and my family spent it very lonely. i was honored as to how much i was missed. But this past week i have been noticing how many times i say no. how many times in my life that I pass life with such a negative attitude and answer. How much I have missed out on because i just didn't give myself the opportunity to have a free spirit to be spontaneous or absurd every now and again. Simple things in life can mean so much if we just give ourselves the opportunity to just say yes my dear i will play with you. Yes my beloved i will go on that walk. Yes tell me about your day. Yes i want that new trinket. But most of all Yes Hashem I want to talk. I want to be a free spirit and live. I just don't want to be another person just existing. I want to live life and know that I have impacted all of those whom I love. when my time has come what will they say when i am gone. will they mourn the loss for me or for themselves. My grandfather was in his 90's when he passed away 6 years ago. But the beauty of his passing was not that we felt bad for him. we mourned for our loss of not having his jokes that he always had to share or the way he smiled. It truly was our loss to see him go. Although he was ready to go and lived a long and full life. His was complete but he left ours empty. What will we live behind. do we really know what our children and family and friends think? Have we really impacted them? or did we just do our job and wait for the end. this past shabbat was so beautiful. my oldest daughter and I stayed up until 2 am laughing and talking and just being ourselves. It was like a slumber party. There really isn't anything that she could tell me that would disappoint me or take away those precious moments. But it is those moments that are real. When people can see the real you and feel blessed that you are in their lives. Just say yes to life ...you won't regret it.

Hello Can You hear Me?

Well it is 10 days and counting and still no answer as to whether or not we have the house. The first house we went and looked and and it fell through. Also because of the market percentage went up and up for the deposit and now another comes in about credit.

MAN ALIVE!!! How many more things can come up in 2 months. Our family has been sick and discouraged yet I still cling on. I cant tell you how many ibuprofen I have popped due to this and the anxiety level being in an all time high.

Fears, worries creep in....Abba what is going on ...hello...can you hear me?

Disappointment after disappointment seems to stream out.

Where will we go? What will we do?

We have been down every road to make this happen and it keeps getting blocked. As it stands now my family and I do not have a home.

I laugh at people who tell me don't stress and don't worry.

That is easy to say when your home is not being taken out from under your feet.

That is easy when you have a job to go to in the AM.

That is easy when life seems good and then as usual we tend to forget the one who allowed us to go through this.

Am I upset...yes

Am I angry....YES...

Am I under control...no.....no....no

This is the time of realizing how small we are and how big He is.

This is the time when you realized He has the cards and has always had the cards.

This is when we realize that he only lets us peek once in a while to let us have that boost of confidence.

Only to be humbled and realized we only peeked at was is His.



I don't expect people to understand what I am writing about.



I can barely explain it myself. The realization of Him having all control and myself not having any control except for the decision as to whether or not I choose to cry out to Him.



I cry...Hello...Can You Hear Me Abba?



It matters not the outcome at this point because the only reality is, is that I control nothing and am very small and He is very Big and I so much need to feel comfort from Him right now...

But if He doesn't allow this to happen Toda Abba....I still seek for you and cry out to you.

Posting Again

For those of you who think I may have fell off the face of the earth I have not I am alive and well. I plan to do more blogging now that I have the free time to do so. Keep an eye out for some of my stuff I am planning on blogging a lot more now that I am home with the children. Shalom and Many Blessings to those who have stayed waiting for my next piece of work LOL

Shalom Leah

Home

Well things haven't been great lately and even though this is a time to reflect going into the high holy days it is very difficult. Although I do not write a lot about myself and personal life I can only think to vent out. I lost my job and now I am in the process of being forced out of my apartment. Unfortunately that came with the job. I try to look at this as a test. Why? Because that is exactly what it is. A test. The test is not only about pass or fail but also about endurance. I always hear that ridiculous lie that Hashem does not give you more than you can handle. But, that is the biggest lie I have ever heard in my life. Of course he gives us more than we can handle because what would be the point if we got through it with out Him....He has to give us more because it is at that point that we call upon the mercy of Hashem to open our eyes to the things we have done wrong and make it right. Atonement for my sins? Maybe. But that is ok because I know that even though it seems that all is lost I have the joy of knowing that I am not alone. Hashem is with me and blessed me with a family that stands by my side even if we end up living in a cardboard box. So do I want pity? No save it for someone who really needs it. I need support of family and friends that I am so blessed to have that stands by me in the worst of it all. You know who you are that walk with me and have walked with me for years. I don't want this to be a poor Leah and her family. Say tehillim because you know that Hashem can work a miracle and in the end of it all no one can say it as because of their hands but because of the tehillim that went to the feet of Hashem and He heard them. Well, thanks for listening. Shalom, Leah

Path to Freedom

The Wise Demise of Plastic Bags

The Wise Demise of Plastic Bags
June/July 2007 By Megan Phelps

It’s not unusual for consumers to reconsider a familiar product and wonder “Was this a bad idea?” Hazardous products may face a recall, declining sales, or in some cases, an outright ban. It's happened to a wide range of consumer products including dangerous toys and medications with harmful side effects. Environmentally damaging products that have been phased out include leaded gasoline, many pesticides and ozone-depleting chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs).

In recent months, several initiatives have banned some familiar, but wasteful, products because there are now greener options available. Here's a rundown of which products are being banned and the better options that are replacing them.
PLASTIC GROCERY BAGS
Where: San Francisco and Leaf Rapids, Canada, recently banned plastic grocery bags made from petroleum.
Why: The bags are hard to recycle, they're made from petroleum, and on the coast they often blow into the water, where they're an eyesore, and hazardous to marine life if ingested.
Complications: San Francisco hopes stores will stock biodegradable plastic bags, but they are more expensive than petroleum-based plastic (6 to 10 cents each, instead of 1 cent each). Paper bags may not be an eco-friendly alternative. They consume forest resources (if not made from recycled paper) and making them creates pollution.
Best Alternatives: There’s a clear consensus on this issue: Reusable bags are the best. Consider using a whole set of canvas bags for your grocery shopping.

INCANDESCENT BULBS
Where: Australia will phase out the incandescent light bulb by 2010, and Ontario by 2012. Similiar initiatives are proposed for California, New Jersey and the European Union.
Why: Incandescent bulbs consume about three times as much electricity as compact-fluorescent light bulbs, so they create much more carbon dioxide pollution.

Complications: Compact fluorescents do have a downside: They contain tiny amounts of mercury, so instead of throwing them out, they should be recycled or taken to your city’s hazardous waste collection point.

Best Alternatives: Despite their mercury content, compact fluorescents are still considered much more eco-friendly than incandescent bulbs by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency and Energy Star programs, and they're perhaps the easiest way to cut your electric bills and reduce your carbon footprint. Light emitting diodes (LEDs) are another good, emerging alternative. They contain no mercury, are already more efficient than incandescent bulbs, and are expected to become much more efficient over the next few years.

STYROFOAM "TO-GO" FOOD BOXES
Where: 100 cities in the United States have banned some form of polystyrene (or Styrofoam) food containers including San Francisco, Oakland, Calif., and Portland, Ore.
Why: They're hard to recycle, not biodegradable and made from petroleum. They blow into waterways where, like plastic bags, they're an eyesore and dangerous to marine life. Hazardous chemicals are used to make them.
Complications: The best alternatives aren't clear. Paper or cardboard containers are better than Styrofoam, but still consume forest resources (if not made from recycled paper), and cause pollution during their manufacture.
Best Alternatives: Recycled paper or cardboard containers, or aluminum foil, which can be recycled.

Guaranteed

Dedicated to my Soul Sister who is a gypsy like me

Eddie Vedder - Guaranteed lyrics

On bended knee is no way to be free

lifting up an empty cup I ask silently

that all my destinations will accept the one that's me

so I can breath

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole

half their lives they say goodnight to wive's they'll never know

got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul

so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go

Holding me like gravity are places that pull

If ever there was someone to keep me at home

It would be you...

Everyone I come across in cages they bought

they think of me and my wandering

but I'm never what they thought

got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts

I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere

underneath my being is a road that disappeared

late at night I hear the trees

they're singing with the dead

overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be

consider me a satelite for ever orbiting

I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me

guaranteed...

Society

The beauty of our Society is decaying through lack of wisdom spirituality and simplicity

Hannukah

Can I tell you how happy and excited I am for this holiday. This is a time for Hashem to reveal himself and also to reveal to us who we are and what he wants from us. This is a time of when Hashem was hidden. There was war everywhere and we as Jews could stand up and fight for our Torah.
What a beautiful idea. We go to war for land, loved ones, and our concept of freedom. But this is different. We go to War for Hashem. I am not talking about a physical War. I am talking about a spiritual one. I am talking about taking up arms(Torah) and fighting with our Yetzer and realizing we are seperated from the world. Hashem has chosen you to fight in his army.
What weapons do we have. we have Torah & Mitzvot. We bandage ourselves with Chesed and Ahava.
Many people thnk of the miracle of Hanukah was the oil burning for 8 days. Yes that truly was a miracle but not the only one. We fought a war for Hashem and the few won over the many. The Jews removed themselves from assimilation and took their place under Hashem as his children. As represenatives of His Torah. What bigger miracle is there than Teshuva. To return to Hashem from the influences of the world and keep yourself seperate.
Truly Hashem is good and loving and faithful "Blessed be He!"

Criticism

I know there are times when we feel that we have the right to criticise our children. But I have learned that there is no point at any time when we are able to criticize out children because the damage is irreparable. We have been blessed with this beautiful gift of a child and think that as they get older they can handle the rejection of society so we decide to become that voice. How wrong we are to take that approach. We can look for logical ways to sit here and justify why we criticize. But lets not leave it at just our children that are younger let's look at them when they are grown. We can easily justify that snapping at them and telling them how disappointed we are or what ever it is. Let's look out our spouses the ones that we are quickly to devour with unkind words and criticism. I fight with this on a daily basis for I feel that I can justify my actions because my own stresses and nothing is further from the truth.
Our Little children need to grow in an environment where there is love and respect and kind words. Then to our surprise the children are fighting with each other and we wonder why would you treat you brother or sister like that. Where did they learn it from? You guessed it right there at home with Mom and Dad.
Woman how do you expect your daughter to marry. Think of the example you have set and then ask yourself again. I have taught my daughter to be strong and independent. I look back and regret. I taught to be independent not a team player. Marriage and Family is a team. Not an independent entity.
She is older now and soon will be smitten and in love and ready to marry. What am I giving her husband? Will he be disappointed on what I have set before past the pretty eyes and smile. Does he have a woman who will love him and embrace him and give him a home of Shalom Bayit?
Will my Boys grow up to be men who cherish and respect and honor their wives. Or will they throw a tantrum the minute things do not go their way? Or feel hey have the right to be mean because of what they feel hey deserve in life.
Oh Hashem have mercy on us all and for the sake of the future of Israel may other Mother's have the same plea as myself. Gaurd them, Love them, Cherish them. Do not criticize your family because what comes out of your mouth IS what comes to pass. G-d Forbid.
Speak good things and speak kindly and nurture them with love and gentleness.

I want my Rights!!!

We live in a society where everyone is screaming for their rights. America is the Land of Freedom. But I was at a class and my Rabbi was speaking about something that literally blew my mind.
He sat at the table and said there are no such things as woman's rights....there is no such thing as equal rights...there is no such thing as animal rights.
I thought to myself WHAT?? NO RIGHTS? You mean to tell me that I do not have any rights? Are you serious?
I was beginning to get a little upset because I am one who believes in all these things. I am the one who wants to fight for the underdog and save the world. I am the one who wants to be treated the same as everyone else.
I have no rights?
He continued to speak and stated there are no rights....only obligation.
WHOA!!!!
We are obligated to treat each other equally..we are obligated to treat woman with respect and dignity...we are obligated to treat them animals with compassion.
If this world ran on it's obligations there would not be this search for a falsehood of freedom.
Rights and freedom are a man made concept to walk away from real responsibility and obligation to each other and everything around us. That is my opinion.
Define freedom in your own mind. Define Rights...when you really think about it there really is no such thing. When you think about the cruelties of man kind to each other and animals these are people who walk away from their obligations and the victims demand rights. When they should have just been treated well (by obligation) in the first place.
Torah teaches us that we should treat other people the same way we should treat ourselves.
That is our Obligation ... so I will tell you as the Rabbi told me you have no rights... only obligation

Simcha Torah

Can I tell you this is truly my favorite holiday.
I sit in the shul watching the men holding the torah and singing and dancing but this year was a little difference. Every year I go to shul without my beloved and the joy was seeing him there with all the other men just dancing with his son's and singing. Lifting them up onto his shoulders and dancing. My Son was in his glory smiling from ear to ear with his abba.
The men dressed up and dancing and holding the torah and holding onto it with such pride and delight...there truly is nothing in the world more beautiful than that. I do not know these men personally but the delight in their faces and the pride, it blows your mind. I could not see my husband but a tzaddik. I could not see my sons just little tzaddikim.
I didnt see men jumping like crazy I saw righteous men. I dont know them and maybe will really never get to know them who they are what they do how they treat people. But I saw their Neshama's that night. I saw men who loved to dance before Hashem and show off the torah as the treasure that it is. For the whole world to see.

Time Out

Funny thing happened this weekend . My beloved and I talked about time out. Time out for ourselves to clear our heads and also to regain our focus. But after talking with him Hashem truly touched my heart.
Many married people look for extra curricular activities and really when we look at them those time out moments they really are an escape. An escape from our lives.
Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with doing things outside of the home but we need to really check our hearts and ask ourselves why do we need this?
I had to ask my beloved and explain to him. I don't want time out. I am married and there really is no such thing as time out except when we are to do Hitbodedut.
That is not time out that is time with Hashem. That truly should be the only thing that takes us away from our beloved.
I have realized over the years when I needed time out I really needed time away and an escape.
I am married... I have children. I don't need time out... I need time in. Time in with Abba Blesses be He.

Sukkot

Sukkot in a Nutshell

For forty years, as our ancestors traversed the Sinai Desert prior to their entry into the Holy Land, miraculous "clouds of glory" surrounded and hovered over them, shielding them from the dangers and discomforts of the desert. Ever since, we remember G-d's kindness and reaffirm our trust in His providence by dwelling in a sukkah--a hut of temporary construction with a roof covering of branches--for the duration of the Sukkot festival (Tishrei 15-21). For seven days and nights, we eat all our meals in the sukkah and otherwise regard it as our home.

Taken from Chabad.org

The dangers and discomfort of the desert...Truly this is a time when I reflect and think about those things. I pray...pray and pray some more. Sometimes I feel as though I cannot pray enough for I so beg Hashem to protect me from the discomforts of the desert. What is a desert like? It is place that only a special kind of being can survive in. If it were not for Hashem we could not have survived the desert. It truly shows that if not for Hashem we cannot survive anything.
It was just a thought...

Hard Lesson to Learn Teshuva

It truly has been a very hard week of teshuva but the beauty of it is that there is teshuva. Every year I seem to learn more and more about myself and what I need to do to improve. For years I have been battling anger. The tendency of taking things to heart and blowing up. But this year Hashem truly is working on me and I on myself. Many things that would normally get me going I seem to have been having different ways of dealing with them. My beloved truly is tested as well. It is times like these when I really feel as though I have failed Hashem and know that there is so much for me to learn I feel like the child posted above. I truly feel like a child and ask Tati why? what more can I do tati to change? I ball up and cry like a child. But the wonderful thing is that Tati brings me to this point. My dear Abba blessed be He brings me to the point of tears and repentance. Trult this is a time of Awe. I feel that sometimes there is no change for me and then I change. Maybe just a little but I feel the change.

Toda Abba

Cleaning House

I have been contemplating spring cleaning. But for some odd reason I always end up doing it in the fall. It is not until you get in the mood and really start breaking through all the mess is when you think to yourself at what point did I lose control over my home.
It truly was a relief when I finished the children's bedroom and realized that after 6 hours or organizing and cleaning the room looks and feels the way a child's room should.
Next thing you know I was getting their clothes out and preparing for the next day. That is a first for me.
I am not a morning person but I am a night person and I realized that instead of stressing myself out about getting up earlier I should jsut be wiser with me time at night. so tonight I cleaned prepped clothes and even did some learning lol.
Wow am I tired
But it is in this baby step that I realized that I am gaining control of my home and not letting go this time.
Grrr matey I am going to run a tight ship.
Have a peaceful night

It was the Devil

Through my life I have heard of so many things of the devil getting in the way. To me this is a cop out for a person who does not want to take the responsiblity of the fight we have within ourselves. We blame the devil, our spouse our children the dog down the street...you name it a person can pass the buck on it.

I have been doing some soul searching and this is the month to do it in. The month of Elul.Last night I was reading an article and it was very enlightening.It was talking about all things come from Hashem.

All things...... The argument from yuor spouse,the disagreement from your co-worker, the car next to you that just beeped and gave a polite hand gesture when you were turning to slow. Or maybe the old lady that drives so slow in front of us as we impatiently say mean things about her, What about that rebellious child who is trying our patience and hitting that last nerve?

Good... Bad... it all comes from Hashem.

That is such a deep and profound concept.

Everything comes from him and not from your spouse or from you sister or brother or neighbor or children......All things come from Hashem.

I know many times I get aggrevated and think about how the other person is to blame.

But what a relief to come to the point when you realize that everything they are doing is coming from the Great One Blessed be He.

To know that Hashem loves you so much that He is purposely trying you so that you can learn and grow and come closer to Him.

It is such a relief to know that I dont have to take it personal anymore.

I dont have to have bitterness or guilt or anger or resentment or hold a grudge because ultimatly everything that happens to me from someone else is From my Abba.

Baruch Hashem...I truly am loved by my Abba.

All I wanted to do was fly